3 Ways to Communicate With Your Partner Better
Do you and your partner talk but you don’t feel heard? Here are 3 ways to communicate better with your partner so you both can feel heard.
Attunement
Attunement is the process of being tuned into someone’s needs. You both can be communicating, but if you are on two different radio stations then you won’t ever feel heard! An example of this is if someone wins second place in a competition they have been training for. Everyone around them congratulates them on this achievement, big applauses, and “we’re so proud of you!” However, this person doesn’t feel validated. Why? It's because those around them are assuming how they are feeling and are assuming what they need. In fact, this person may be disappointed alongside their accomplishment. In order to be attuned, those around them can ask something like, “I know how hard you have worked, how are you feeling about second place?” Or asked, “How can I support you after this competition?” Asking open ended questions that center the person’s experience, trying to learn how they feel, and asking what they need, are ways to ensure that you are attuned. TLDR: Don’t assume, stay curious!
If you are the person who is communicating what is going on for you, it can be helpful to preface what you are about to say with what you need from the listener. For example, if I complain to my partner about something that is going on at work, they may think they are being helpful by going into problem solving mode. However, what I really need is someone to listen and validate what I am going through. I want compassion and empathy to know that I’m not alone in this. In order to make this need clear I can say something like, “Hey I had a really stressful day at work and would appreciate talking to you about it. I really need to vent and hear validation from you rather than solutions, that’s what would be most helpful to me right now…” This structure creates a clear way for the other person to meet our need. Often times, we get into problem solving mode because we care about and love the other person and want to make the problem go away. However, not all problems can be solved, and oftentimes we just want to know that we’re not alone.
TLDR: Express your need/expectation because your partner isn’t a mind reader
Listen to understand rather than listen to respond
As a couples therapist, this is a communication pattern I see very often, and one I intervene with quickly. Especially when discussing relationship stressors, couples can become stuck in a dynamic of listening to respond rather than listening to understand. Often times, the rebuttals begin with the word “but,” are rooted in defensiveness, and positions the partners against each other rather than on the same side. In order for the partners to unite and try to listen to understand there are a few things they can do:
First, set the expectation that you both will have time to share your side and perception. While your partner is sharing, remember that you will also have a turn, but your partner’s turn is about listening to them. This may require self soothing in order to stay grounded and not get activated. Taking time outs, pauses, and using coping skills such as deep breathing, can be helpful in order to keep you in your window of tolerance so that you can listen. Make sure to communicate these breaks and pauses in order for your partner to understand. A statement that can be helpful is, “This is really important for me, and I want to truly hear you, in order for me to understand I need to take a 10 minute walk so that when I re-enter I can truly hear you.” If you find yourself getting defensive, then try to take responsibility for at least a part of what your partner is saying.
Next, stay curious! Remember, this time is about understanding your partner. Ask them open ended questions that help you better understand and clarify what they are experiencing.
Lastly, try on your partner’s glasses - metaphorically of course! Remember, we each have a pair of glasses that become colored throughout our lives based on our life experiences. So, you and your partner both may experience the same event but perceive it differently because of your glasses. Try to ask questions about what filters your partner is seeing this event through so you can better understand their experience. Put aside your own glasses and try theirs on, can you see how through their lens they see it that way? Remember, offering understanding does not mean you disagree, and both of your realities can exist and be true! Next, switch spots and make sure you both have the time and space to share what’s going on and try on each other’s lenses!
TLDR: Self-soothe and try to see the event how your partner sees it
The Stress Reducing Conversation
This is an activity that was created by John and Julie Gottman. This is an exercise you can do daily or weekly in order to practice these muscles and grow understanding with your partner. In order to do so, set a timer for 15-20 minutes (just make sure you and your partner have the same amount of time). Choose who will be the speaker first and who will be the listener first. The speaker’s responsibility is to share a recent stressor that is going on, that is EXTERNAL from the relationship. It can also be helpful to share a few good things that are happening or what you are looking forward to. The listener’s job is to not get into problem solving mode. Instead, offer attunement, ask what your partner needs from you, offer validation, ask clarifying questions, etc. Show that you care about what your partner is going through. Be an ally to them and stand next to them in what they are enduring. At the end of the turn, switch! This can be a great way to practice the skills that can later be utilized for conflict while create connection and understanding.
Remember, your partner is also a human with their own struggles and experience.
Talk and listen to them like you love and respect them.
If you are ready to create change in your relationships in order to build fulfilling and meaningful relationships where you feel heard and respected, and also hear and respect your loved ones, getting connected with a therapist who specializes in these areas can be tremendously helpful. By creating a safe space for you to explore, build awareness, and take action, you can create the relationships you’ve been wanting. At Helix Marriage and Family Therapy, I specialize in relationships and do both relationship therapy for individuals as well as couples therapy.
