What is Domestic Violence?

What is Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence is a pattern of behavior used to gain and maintain power and control in a relationship. Though often thought of as physical violence, there are many other dimensions of domestic violence and power and control. 

1. Intimidation - Making someone afraid by using looks, actions, and gestures. Destroying someone’s property, displaying weapons, smashing things, abusing pets

2. Emotional Abuse - Name calling, playing mind games, humiliating someone, putting someone down, making someone feel guilty, making someone think they’re crazy

3. Using isolation - Using jealousy to justify actions, limiting involvement with the outside world, controlling what someone does/who they talk to/what they read/where they go/etc.

4. Denying/minimizing/blaming - Saying the abuse did not happen, shifting responsibility for the abusive behavior, not taking someone’s concerns seriously, making light of the abuse. This is commonly known as gaslighting

5. Using children - Making someone feel guilty about the children, using the children to relay messages, threatening to take the children away

6. Using privilege - Making all the big decisions, treating someone like a servant, defining the roles of each person in the relationship

7. Using economic abuse - Preventing someone from working, taking someone’s money, controlling all the money, giving someone an allowance

Relationships can be viewed on a spectrum from healthy, to unhealthy, to abusive. Healthy relationships are characterized by communication, respect, trust, honesty, equality, balance of time together and apart, making decisions together, and being partners financially. Unhealthy relationships may look like not communicating, disrespect, lack of trust, dishonesty/lying, trying to take control, only spending time together, being pressured into activities, and an inequality financially. Lastly, abusive relationships is when one partner is communicating is a harmful or threatening way, mistreating the other, accusing the other of cheating when it’s untrue, denying their actions as abusive, being controlling, and isolating the partner from others. Relationship therapy can be helpful in learning about the relationship spectrum and building healthier relationships in your life.

So, why do people stay and/or return?
Why someone stays in a domestic violence relationship is a highly personal and individualized decision. These reasons are often deeply rooted and perpetuated by the type of power and control the abuser has maintained. Some common reasons may include:

1. The most dangerous time in a DV relationship is when the person being harmed tries to leave

2. Part of emotional abuse commonly includes devaluing, instilling doubt, harming the person’s confidence, and more. Additionally, abuse commonly includes gaslighting, which may sound like “No that never happened! You’re over exaggerating! Well I wouldn’t have done that if you didn’t do xyz!” By demeaning and dismissing the abuser places responsibility on the person being harmed while also chipping away at their self confidence. 

3. Isolation - The abuser may have destroyed or distanced the person being harmed from their family and friends. So, the person being harmed may not have accessible external resources to help them leave.

4. Financial abuse - Sometimes the abuser has not allowed the person being harmed to get a job, and subsequently the person being harmed does not have access to resources to leave. Other times, the abuser places all of the financial responsibility on the person being harmed, which drains their assets and also leaves them without a financial safety net to leave.

5. Using children - The abuser may threaten that should the person being harmed leave, that they will fight and win full custody of the child(ren). This manipulation tactic can instill fear in the person being harmed, both for their relationship with their child(ren) and also their child(ren)’s wellbeing if they are left with the abuser. 

6. Often, the relationship isn’t always bad. Typically, there was a good time at the beginning of the relationship with lots of love bombing and future faking. According to the abuser, the person being harmed may be blamed for the shift and so the person being harmed may have hope that it can be like that again. With the cycle of DV, there is a resolution/honeymoon phase after a major explosion. During this phase the abuser will try to regain the affection (and control) of the person being harmed and commonly uses love bombing to do so. People don’t enter relationships wanting them to end, they enter them because there is love, potential of love, and hope. 

So, what can I do?

1. One of the main parts of healing from domestic violence is forming positive connections. If you are someone who has been in a DV relationship, this may include going to therapy, joining a DV support group, rebuilding positive friendships and family relationships, or reconnecting with coworkers. Experiencing positive relationships and connections can remind you that there is good out there, and you deserve to be in relationships that honor and respect you.

2. If you are supporting a loved one through DV, remind yourself of your role. Ask your loved one how you can best support them and what kind of support they need from you. Remember, rarely can someone be convinced of something that they are not ready to do. Leaving is a very personal decision and should only be that of the person being harmed. You can act as a mirror and remind your loved one of what they deserve, specifically by showing them that in how you treat them.

3. Come up with a safety plan. This may include organizing and finding a safe space for important documents. Packing a “go-bag” with spare clothes that is placed near an exit or even in the trunk of your car if you have one. For safety reasons, make sure that this is out of sight of the abuser. Identify a safe place to go should you need to flee. 

4. Find professionals who can support you or your loved one on this journey. Finding a trauma therapist is imperative in getting connected with someone who is competent and well versed in all things trauma. EMDR is another evidenced based form of therapy that can be incredibly powerful in reprocessing domestic violence and the negative beliefs it may have caused you to believe about yourself. You can also find local Domestic Violence resources: you can do this by googling where you live and “domestic violence resources.”

If you are reading this and you identify with some of the red flags mentioned above, I want to remind you that it is not your fault. You deserve to be honored, loved and respected. I wish you all the best as you continue your journey.

Want to learn more about domestic violence and trauma therapy?

Additional resources: 
https://ncadv.org/RESOURCES
https://www.thehotline.org/,

National DV hotline: 800-799-7233
https://www.loveisrespect.org/

Credit:
https://www.loveisrespect.org/
https://www.safehousenm.org/power-and-control