How to Set Boundaries During the Holidays
A family together around the table, laughing as they pass the potatoes, a fire in the background, and lots of joy. That is the image the media portrays about the holidays, and so it is what you may expect. However, the season that is often referred to as “the most wonderful time of the year,” can actually be full of tension, blurry boundaries, and let down expectations. Here are tips and boundaries you can incorporate this holiday season, so that you can honor your needs.
Manage Expectations
Because of the media portrayal and how the holidays are talked about, there are often high expectations and high pressure in order to make them great. In reality, this is a time where the family has increased closeness (dare I say forced or at the least expected), which it isn’t used to. Since the norm (or homeostasis) of the family is being challenged, challenges are likely to arise. My first tip is to manage your expectations. Try to remind yourself that this is an incredibly stressful time for most families and we only see the best of everyone’s families on social media. Letting that pressure and those expectations rest, can create space for compassion, flexibility, and alleviate stress.
Boundaries to Set & What You Can Say
With seeing other relatives, comparison and unwanted questions are likely to occur. These may sound like, “You’ve been dating for 5 years, why aren’t you engaged yet,” “You got married last year, is there going to be a baby soon,” “When are you going to settle down?” One simple way to answer any of these questions is, “because I’m/we’re not.” An explanation isn’t needed, that is it.
Another unwanted topic that may come up is work. For many people, the holidays are a temporary and much needed pause from work. Work is commonly considered to be a small talk conversation topic. If someone asks about work and you are not wanting to discuss it, consider saying something like, “I want to disconnect from work. What have you been doing for fun recently?” Express your need to disconnect and then change the subject. This can be applied to any stressful topic that you don't want to discuss.
Another common core part of the holidays is food. Families tend to gather around food, which can create space for comments and questions about food intake and bodies. If someone makes a comment on the amount of food on your plate such as, “That’s a whole lot of food!” Try saying, “That’s a whole lot of judgment!” It's a quick way to bring their attention to the fact that it is not okay to comment on others' food. Another option if someone comments on the amount of food on your plate is to say, “I listen to my body to decide what to eat, not relatives.” Lastly, if someone comments on your body, you can politely and firmly say, “Actually, I don’t comment on others’ bodies.” Sweet, simple, and to the point.
Intra-personal boundaries to set
Though these are great interpersonal boundaries to set with people, at the end of the day, we can’t control their response or reaction. So, it is also important to prepare some intrapersonal boundaries to practice. These are boundaries that you recognize within yourself, don’t necessarily communicate to others, and honor when you need them. If you feel yourself getting activated, consider removing yourself from the situation. Common and polite ways to do so is to excuse yourself, go to the bathroom, take a call, go to another room, go and clean up in the kitchen. These are all low stakes options that don’t tend to draw attention.
Once you are separated, practice emotional regulation skills, such as practicing mantras, deep breathing, or taking a walk. When you are ready, re-enter in a way that honors your needs. This may be expressing your feelings/discomfort in a way such as, “I felt uncomfortable when you brought up ____, can we not talk about that tonight?” If that doesn’t feel comfortable for you, you can also re-enter with a new group. So, if before you were with your aunts, maybe go and sit with your cousins. Identify who in your family tends to be a safe base for you, and know that you can go to those people.
If you are wanting to learn more about how to set and maintain boundaries, finding a trusted relationship therapist can be helpful. Through relationship therapy, you will reflect back on past dynamics and learn how they are impacting current ones. You will learn how to intentionally show up in relationships in ways that honor you and your needs, while also staying true to yourself and your values.
Happy Holidays from Helix MFT
to you and yours!
Overall, while the holidays can be fun, connecting, and full of love, they can also be stressful. Focus on your needs, boundaries, and expectations in order to make them more manageable to you.
