How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love
I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to be interviewed by Yitzi Weiner at authority magazine. In this interview, we discussed all things people pleasing. The original interview can be found here.
In today’s fast-paced and interconnected world, finding and maintaining meaningful romantic relationships can be a daunting task. From navigating dating apps to managing expectations in a digital age, there are numerous challenges individuals face in their quest for love. Through this series, we would like to explore the complexities of modern dating and relationships, offering insights, advice, and strategies for navigating the often confusing landscape of love in the 21st century. In this series, we are talking to experts in psychology, relationship coaching, sociology, matchmaking, and individuals with personal experiences navigating the modern dating scene, to share their knowledge, perspectives, and stories. As part of this series, we had the pleasure of interviewing Lea Trageser, LMFT.
Lea is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in New York, where she is the founder and therapist at Helix Marriage and Family Therapy PLLC. Lea works with individuals and couples who are looking to improve relationships in their lives by processing past traumas. She empowers her clients to become more secure in their relationship with themselves, in order to foster relationships that are meaningful and fulfilling with their loved ones.
Thank you so much for your time! I know that you are a very busy person. Our readers would love to “get to know you” a bit better. Can you tell us your “Origin Story”? Can you tell us the story of how you grew up?
Igrew up in the suburbs of New York City, where I am the middle of five children. I describe the home I grew up in as “beautiful chaos,” because with five kids running around there was never a dull moment. In childhood I enjoyed playing soccer, creating art, and exploring the woods in my neighborhood with my childhood friends. After High School, I attended Virginia Tech, where I got a Bachelor of Science in Human Development with minors in Spanish and Women and Gender Studies. Fun fact: four of my five siblings attended Virginia Tech — Go Hokies! Then, I went on to get my Masters of Marriage and Family Therapy with a concentration in sex therapy from Jefferson University in Philadelphia.
Can you tell us a bit about what you do professionally, and what brought you to this specific career path?
As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I help individuals and couples foster healthy and fulfilling relationships in their lives. I have a highly relational and trauma focused approach, meaning that I explore how past traumas and unhealthy relationship dynamics impact current relationships, including people’s relationships with themselves. Since childhood I have always enjoyed being the person who my friends would go to. I’ve always loved chatting and connecting, and it was in college that I realized I could make a career out of it. To this day, I find this role to be so incredibly sacred.
You are a successful leader. Which three character traits do you think were most instrumental to your success? Can you please share a story or example for each?
Three traits that I think were instrumental in my success, specifically in launching my own business, are dedication, resourcefulness, and bravery. Dedication has served me well on this journey because opening a business is hard work, honestly even harder than I would have thought. From learning new skills like bookkeeping, to building my website, it has taken a tremendous amount of dedication in order to persevere. I am incredibly proud of that. Next, being resourceful and leaning on my support system has been a huge part of my success. When I learn a new skill, I think over my connections and who may be able to help. I am incredibly grateful for friends and family who have supported me along the way. And I am grateful to myself that I was vulnerable and asked for help. Lastly, success has required an incredible amount of bravery. Leaving the security of a full time job with a salary and benefits in order to pursue my own private practice was the scariest decision I have made. Despite this fear, I knew I wanted to make the jump, so I did. Bravery isn’t the lack of fear, it is doing it regardless.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
The projects I am working on are centered around writing. Whether it be my blog or collaborative interviews with Authority Magazine, I have been focusing my time and energy in this area. I prioritize writing because it helps spread information that is hopefully helpful to people who may otherwise not have access to it. Whether it be sharing tips for dating or how to stop being a people pleaser, I hope that the information I share has a positive impact on readers.
For the benefit of our readers, can you briefly tell our readers why you are an authority on the topic of dating and finding love?
As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I empower my clients in navigating relationships in order to foster ones that are fulfilling and meaningful. Often, I support clients through navigating the complex world of dating, helping them identify their core values, what they are wanting in a relationship, and how to build healthy relationships from the onset.
Ok. Thank you for that. Let’s now shift to the main part of our discussion about ‘How To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love’. Based on your experience, what is a common root cause of the “inability to find love”?
A huge barrier to finding love in the modern world is disconnection that has happened throughout the past few decades. While we may live in a world that we all seem to be connected through phones, texts, and social media, the truth is that we are greatly disconnected. As the world has gone more online and virtual, organic forms of connecting and creating connections have gone to the wayside. It is still absolutely possible to find love, whether it be on the apps or in person, it just takes more intention.
What are some common misconceptions or myths about finding love in the modern world, and how can they be debunked?
A common misconception about finding love in the modern world is that online dating is less genuine than traditional ways of meeting people. However, this is not always the case. As long as you lead with intention, authenticity, and your values, online dating can lead to genuine, beautiful, relationships. Another myth that makes finding love in the modern world difficult is that each person has a “soulmate” or “one true love.” This belief paired with the abundance of matches on online dating can make it difficult to know when you are content and fulfilled with someone. Instead of focusing on finding “the one,” focus on how you feel when you are interacting with someone. This shift can help center your experience rather than what ifs. Lastly, there is a myth that a perfect match will fit seamlessly into your life without much effort. However, relationships take work, people typically resist change, and tend to get stuck in transitions. Adding a person to your life is a huge transition! It is normal for there to be some friction or conflict as you integrate into each other’s lives. What is of utmost importance is that this transition is led with respect and kindness.
What advice do you have for individuals who feel overwhelmed or disillusioned by the challenges of modern dating, and how can they maintain hope and optimism in their search for love?
If you are feeling overwhelmed by the challenges of modern dating, focus that energy inwards. Who the dating apps show as potential matches is out of your control, however, what is in your control is you. Turning the energy inwards, prioritizing yourself, growing the relationship with yourself, and realigning with your values, joys, and hobbies, can reinvigorate the energy you have to date and connect with others. An added bonus of this process is that by building the relationship with yourself, you learn more about your values and what you want from a partner, which prepares you even more so for dating and building fulfilling relationships.
Let’s explore how the rise of social media and dating apps has impacted the way individuals approach and experience dating and relationships. Can you share a few dos and don’ts about how to use social media to find love?
Do: Prioritize safety. This is a great opportunity to connect with friends of friends and people who are within two degrees of separation from you. Knowing that a person you know personally knows this new connection can help provide a certain level of security that the person you are talking to actually is who they say they are. Second, look for shared interests. Whether you are searching in a Facebook group or on certain hashtags, using social media to find love can be helpful in connecting with someone who has similar interests and hobbies as you. Shared experiences are a pillar of most relationships, so having that commonality from the start creates an opportunity to connect. Lastly, give your profile a glance over. As you are exploring new connections, remember that others will be looking at your profile for the first time likely. Though it is online, it is still a first impression. Reflect on your profile and make sure it is a present day representation of your values and who you are.
Don’t: Don’t idealize the profile you are looking at. Remember that everyone shows their best version of themselves on social media and it is a carefully curated profile. Though the person may appear “perfect” they are still human. So, don’t fall in love with the image they display before getting to know them. Second, don’t rely solely on messaging. Though DM’ing is one of the main forms of communication via social media, it is limiting in how we are able to connect. Once you feel ready and comfortable, set up a phone or video date. This creates opportunities to connect in more genuine ways. Lastly, don’t ignore your instinct. As the old saying goes, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
Can you share a few dos and don’ts about how to use dating apps to find love?
Do: Connect with your values and find a dating app that aligns with your values. This makes it more likely (though not guaranteed) that the people you are matching with have similar values. Additionally, do be sure to communicate about what your expectations are to ensure you are on the same page. Lastly, show up authentically as yourself. Of course, we tend to show the best parts of ourselves, but make sure you are still showing yourself. Showing up authentically, both on the app and in first meeting, helps set up relationships for increased genuine connection.
Don’t: Don’t approach online dating from a scarcity mindset. Doing so, will likely cause you to settle and not enjoy the time spent connecting with others. Don’t take ghosting personally. Being ghosted is difficult and feeling sad and disappointed is a common response. However, try not to go into a shame spiral about it. Ground into the abundance mindset, remind yourself that the reason they ghosted may have nothing to do with you, and perhaps it is even for the better. Lastly, don’t base your decisions purely on photos. Read the bio information, prompts, and get a sense of their vibe, not just looks, from pictures. Remember that attraction can grow and is based on more than just looks.
Can you share a few dos and don’ts about looking for romance in real-life physical spaces like congregations, bars, markets, and conventions?
Do: Go to places and events that are in line with your hobbies, interests, and values. This creates the opportunity to meet people who are potentially like-minded and share the same interests as you, which creates a strong foundation for connection. Second, look for dating events. Oftentimes, event spaces may host dating events where singles can come and mingle and connect. This may help that initial awkwardness that often comes with meeting people in real-life physical spaces, since you know that everyone there has a similar goal or hope. Lastly, smile. It is so simple, but smiling signals to other people that you are interested and open. It is a greenlight for connection (if you are wanting it!).
Don’t: Don’t limit yourself to talk only with the people you went with. Going to these events with friends can help ease anxiety, however, make sure to prioritize talking with new people too! Don’t overindulge in alcohol. In order to make genuine connections it is important that you are of sound mind. Drinking to the level of intoxication will only prevent you from forming new connections. Don’t get discouraged. Though feeling disappointment happens if the day doesn’t go as planned, try not to lose hope and get discouraged. Remember that there will be more events and more opportunities to meet people.
What are your thoughts about the challenges and opportunities that come with workplace romances?
Workplace romances present both challenges and opportunities. On one hand, you spend the majority of your weekdays at work, and one of the ways we fall in love is through familiarity. It is natural that when spending so much time with people, as you get to know them more, interest may grow. However, workplace romances also present risks, such as imbalance of power dynamics, unclear boundaries, and a potentially real HR issue. Always check your company policies regarding workplace romances and lead with open communication and clear boundaries.
Can you discuss the role of vulnerability and authenticity in forming meaningful connections and finding lasting love?
Vulnerability and authenticity are two integral parts of forming meaningful connections and finding lasting love. Afterall, how can you create a fulfilling connection if you aren’t showing up as yourself? Remember that vulnerability happens in stages as trust grows. It is key that the person who you are being vulnerable with has proven themself to be a safe person to share with.
Based on your experience or research, what are the “Five Things You Need To Navigate Our Complicated Modern World To Find Love”? If you can, please share a story or an example for each.
1 . Know what you want — Exploring and clarifying what you want from a partner and a relationship is so important when dating. Identifying these things will give you a roadmap of who to connect with and how. From who you choose to go on dates with to what kinds of dates you go on.
2 . Lead with values — While exploring what you want, you may also discover what your core values are. Identifying your core values helps provide insight into what a fulfilling connection will look like for you. From what dating apps you choose to go on, to which real-life physical spaces you frequent, or who you ultimately choose to go on dates and get to know more, values help guide these decisions in a meaningful way that honors you.
3 . Show up with authenticity — Showing up as genuinely you, whether it be online or in person, is one of the most important things you can do while dating. In order to form genuine connections that are fulfilling for you, it is imperative that you show who you are.
4 . Practice open communication — Communicating from the start about expectations, hopes, wants, dreams, will form a foundation for honest and effective communication down the line. It also helps ensure that you and whoever you are meeting have congruent expectations for dating, whether it be a casual relationship, or looking for something more serious.
5 . Shift from “do they like me?” to “Do I like them?” — This is a small mindset shift that can be very powerful on dates, especially first dates. Typically first dates are full of nervous but hopefully excited energy. They can stir up insecurities and anxiety about if the other person will like you. However, remember that dating takes two! Instead, ask yourself if you like this person, and what you like about them. This small shift gives you power within making dating decisions that honor you.
Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources related to this topic that you would recommend to our readers?
One of my favorite books about dating and building fulfilling relationships is Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson. Additionally, I often write blogs about forming healthy relationships, open communication, and more, so I encourage interested readers to check out my blog for more information.
You are a person of great influence. If you could start a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)
The movement I’d want to start is not a revolutionary one, however, I think it’d have a huge impact on the majority of the world. All I’d want to do is spread curiosity. Curiosity is a skill I strive to teach my clients and practice in my personal life. Learning to ask questions rather than assuming or judging, creates space for compassion and increased understanding. It is helpful for individuals during self reflection and hugely impactful on relationships. Perhaps we can start it here, together. I want to challenge you to start incorporating curiosity into your life. When you feel called to assume why your partner didn’t take out the garbage yet again, curiously ask them. When you notice yourself feeling an unpleasant emotion, don’t judge yourself, be curious about it.
How can our readers further follow your work online?
I hope readers choose to follow along! More information about me, my practice, as well as my blog can be found at HelixMFT.com. This is also where NY residents can schedule a free phone consultation if they are interested in working together. I am on Instagram and Facebook @helixmft, and on LinkedIn as Helix Marriage and Family Therapy PLLC.
Thank you so much for sharing these important insights. We wish you continued success and good health!
